Housing Prices Paragraph Revision

There may be different ways to revise this paragraph, but you should concentrate on the most important revision strategies—using active voice, getting to the point, avoiding nominalizations, limiting “to be” verbs, and making phrases and sentences parallel.

Below is the original paragraph followed by a sentence-by-sentence breakdown. First, try to figure out what the paragraph is saying, or what the paragraph wants to say. Next, figure out how the sentences contribute to the overall paragraph's meaning.

It is noted that sales of existing homes have made a falling for five months in a row ending in the month of August as the once-booming housing market slowed further.  On Monday a report stating that existing home sales made a slippage in the nature of 0.55 percent to an annual rate of 8.45 million units was made by The National Association of Realtors.  Home prices have also experienced a drop in value due to the slowdown in sales, and it is duly noted that the median price of an existing home sold in August dropped to $195,000, which is 1.68 percent below last year.  This current situation is now marking the first year-over-year price decline in more than 11 years.  A report last week that construction of new homes and apartments plunged by 6 percent in August has now been followed by the weakness in existing home sales.  This weakness is the cause pushing building activity to the lowest level since early 2003.

Point of the paragraph: This paragraph explains that existing home sales, the median price of homes, and new-home construction have all dropped.  Of course, it provides the details—just not clearly.

Sentence-by-Sentence Breakdown

• It is noted that sales of existing homes have made a falling for five months in a row ending in the month of August as the once-booming housing market slowed further.
• On Monday a report stating that existing home sales made a slippage in the nature of 0.55 percent to an annual rate of 8.45 million units was made by The National Association of Realtors.
• Home prices have also experienced a drop in value due to the slowdown in sales, and it is duly noted that the median price of an existing home sold in August dropped to $195,000, which is 1.68 percent below last year.
• This current situation is now marking the first year-over-year price decline in more than 11 years.
• A report last week that construction of new homes and apartments plunged by 6 percent in August has now been followed by the weakness in existing home sales.
• This weakness is the cause pushing building activity to the lowest level since early 2003.

Full Revision*

Sales of existing homes have fallen for five consecutive months ending in August as the once-booming housing market slowed further. On Monday, the National Association of Realtors reported that existing home sales dropped 0.55 percent to an annual rate of 8.45 million units. Also, home prices dropped in value because of the sales slowdown:  The median price of an existing home sold in August dropped to $195,000, which is 1.68 percent below last year, marking the first year-over-year price decline in more than 11 years. The weakness in existing home sales pushed building activity to the lowest level since early 2003. [A report noted] Construction of new homes and apartments plunged by 6 percent in August.

Alternative for last two sentences…what do you think?

• The weakness in existing home sales, which pushed building activity to the lowest level since early 2003, follows a report last week that construction of new homes and apartments plunged by 6 percent in August.

*This is just one possibility.