Guglielmo Marconi Paragraph Revision

There may be different ways to revise these paragraphs, but you should concentrate on the most important revision strategies—using active voice, getting to the point, avoiding nominalizations, limiting "to be" verbs, and making phrases and sentences parallel. These types of revisions will be on your midterm and final exams.

Guglielmo Marconi Paragraph Revision

Below is the Marconi paragraph that we'll revise together as a class. The original word count is 146.

     International headlines were first made by Guglielmo Marconi when wireless transmissions were successfully sent and received across the English Channel on March 27, 1899. This significant event marked the first international wireless communication. Many important English and French reporters made an observation and bore witness to the event, and Marconi was promoted as an international celebrity much like Thomas A. Edison and Albert Einstein by the press. Less than three years after crossing the English Channel, a solidification of celebrity status by Marconi was made when signals were transmitted across the Atlantic Ocean on December 12, 1901.  Reports concerning what had happened between Poldhu in Cornwall, England and Signal Hill in St. John's, Newfoundland were made by newspapers around the world. Without using wires a crossing of the Atlantic Ocean was made. Marconi was awarded the Nobel Prize for Physics in 1909 for crossing the Atlantic.

Results

1. International headlines were first made by Guglielmo Marconi when wireless transmissions were successfully sent and received across the English Channel on March 27, 1899.

• Revision #1:  Guglielmo Marconi first made international headlines when he successfully sent and received wireless signals across the English Channel on March 27, 1899.

• Revision #2:  On March 27, 1899, Guglielmo Marconi first made international headlines when he successfully sent and received wireless signals across the English Channel.

• Revision #3:  On March 27, 1899, Guglielmo Marconi first made headlines when he successfully sent and received the first international wireless communications across the English Channel.

2. This significant event marked the first international wireless communication.

• Revision:  [You may leave it or incorporate it into the previous or succeeding sentence.]

3. Many important English and French reporters made an observation and bore witness to the event, and Marconi was promoted as an international celebrity much like Thomas A. Edison and Albert Einstein by the press.

• Revision #1:  Many important English and French reporters observed the event and promoted Marconi as an international celebrity much like Thomas A. Edison and Albert Einstein.

• Revision #2:  Many important English and French reporters observed the first international wireless communication and promoted Marconi as an international celebrity much like Thomas A. Edison and Albert Einstein.

4. Less than three years after crossing the English Channel, a solidification of celebrity status by Marconi was made when signals were transmitted across the Atlantic Ocean on December 12, 1901.

• Revision #1:  Less than three years after crossing the English Channel, Marconi's celebrity status was solidified when he transmitted wireless signals across the Atlantic Ocean on December 12, 1901.

• Revision #2:  Less than three years after crossing the English Channel, Marconi transmitted wireless signals across the Atlantic Ocean on December 12, 1901, which solidified his celebrity status.

• Revision #3:  Less than three years after crossing the English Channel, Marconi solidified his celebrity status by transmitting wireless signals across the Atlantic Ocean on December 12, 1901.

• Revision #4:  On December 12, 1901, less than three years after crossing the English Channel, Marconi solidified his celebrity status by transmitting wireless signals across the Atlantic Ocean.

Ask yourself how you've varied you sentences. Do you keep repeating dates at the end or beginning?  Which way sounds better?

5. Reports concerning what had happened between Poldhu in Cornwall, England and Signal Hill in St. John's, Newfoundland were made by newspapers around the world.

• Revision #1:  Newspapers around the world reported what had happened between Poldhu in Cornwall, England and Signal Hill in St. John's, Newfoundland.

• Revision #2:  Newspapers around the world reported what had happened between Poldhu in Cornwall, England and Signal Hill in St. John's, Newfoundland—wireless signals crossed the Atlantic Ocean.

• Revision #3:  Newspapers around the world reported what had happened between Poldhu in Cornwall, England and Signal Hill in St. John's, Newfoundland—Marconi crossed the Atlantic Ocean without using wires.

Notice what's being emphasized in this revision.  Is it redundancy or repetition?

6. Without using wires a crossing of the Atlantic Ocean was made.

• Revision #1:  [You may leave it or incorporate it into the previous or succeeding sentence.]

• Revision #2:  Wireless signals crossed the Atlantic Ocean.

7. Marconi was awarded the Nobel Prize for Physics in 1909 for crossing the Atlantic.

• Revision #1:  [You may leave this passive sentence as is because we normally don't say, "the Noble Prize Committee awarded...."  Of course, you could combine it with the one above.]

• Revision #2:  Marconi was awarded the Nobel Prize for Physics in 1909 for crossing the Atlantic without using wires.

• Revision #3:  Marconi was awarded the Nobel Prize for Physics in 1909 for transmitting wireless signals across the Atlantic Ocean.

Entire paragraph

Guglielmo Marconi first made international headlines when he successfully sent and received wireless signals across the English Channel on March 27, 1899. This significant event marked the first international wireless communication. Many important English and French reporters observed the event and promoted Marconi as an international celebrity much like Thomas A. Edison and Alexander Graham Bell. Less than three years after crossing the English Channel, Marconi solidified his celebrity status by transmitting wireless signals across the Atlantic Ocean on December 12, 1901. Newspapers around the world reported what had happened between Poldhu in Cornwall, England and Signal Hill in St. John's, Newfoundland—wireless signals crossed the Atlantic Ocean. Marconi was awarded the Nobel Prize for Physics in 1909 for crossing the Atlantic.

Word count:  118

Let's go over to the Housing Paragraphs if we have time.